


The One Where Nadine Falls Apart

by LittleSweetCheeks



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: AU, F/M, Prompt Fill, Support, affair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:42:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26700019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks
Summary: After an encounter with Arabelle Marsh, Nadine turns to the only person who might understand.
Relationships: Elizabeth McCord/Henry McCord, Vincent Marsh/Nadine Tolliver
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	The One Where Nadine Falls Apart

**Author's Note:**

> This one has a lot going on!
> 
> Prompt fill from LilacMermaid- a tearful Nadine turns up at the McCord house.
> 
> Also- Read Pillar_of_Salt's Picture at an Exhibition, chapter 29 for background on this one. (Well, read all of it if you haven't, but chapter 29 is where this came from).

She can’t breathe. The silence of her office feels like a weight pressing in on her. Finally, she finds the coordination to sink into her chair but that damned scrap of fabric is mocking her from the middle of her desk.

She could remember wondering where they’d gotten to. She’d lost them somewhere bent over the surface of Vincent’s desk. The desk that was now Elizabeth’s.

Motion in the hall makes her snatch the black lace away and shove it in her own purse out of sight. There were still plenty of junior staffers milling about, though most of her colleagues had left as soon as Elizabeth had gone home. Arabelle’s final cutting words still echoed in her head on endless loop. _It’s a shame you weren’t on the plane._ It built on the sinking realization that she’d all but begged and manipulated to try and _be_ on that plane. If he’d given in as she’d wanted, she’d be buried somewhere at sea right now.

_It’s a shame you weren’t on that plane._

She’d done something horrible to Arabelle Marsh for six years. Had looked her in the face and lied. For six years. She’d been heartbroken over losing a man that’d never been hers to begin with. Who had, in the end, considered her expendable when his career needed her to be. She’d sacrificed six years, nearly her career, and gotten tangled up in a crime that could’ve…should’ve…sent her to prison. She was guilty of more than just screwing Vincent Marsh.

Nadine massaged her temples. She needed more than an aspirin… she needed a drink. And probably that cry. But this wasn’t the kind of pain where it was a good idea to drink alone. She’d done that before, the hangover from both the alcohol and the emotions had been hell. She’d burned too many bridges, though, in the name of so many things that’d fallen apart and had no one, local at least, to lean on. Any bad days in recent history were drowned with her coworkers, but this wasn’t something she wanted to share with all of them.

Nadine stared at her desk blotter. Well, maybe not all her bridges.

Before she could think too hard on it, she made a plan, but first she needed to be sure Elizabeth was home for the night. Lifting her phone, she dialed the person who would know that answer.

==

The overnight security outside the house didn’t recognize her and took an extra hard look at her ID before calling in to let the McCords know she was there. It hadn’t dawned on her, in her rush to flee the memory of lace on her desk, that even if Elizabeth were at home, she’d still have the layers of security to deal with.

“Nadine?” The front door was pulled open. Elizabeth was staring out at her, a worried look on her face. “What’s wrong?”

Nadine thought it wasn’t going to hit that hard but standing on the steps in the dark she felt herself choke up. _It’s a shame you weren’t on that plane._ “Ma’am, I-” Her voice caught as tears threatened to well up out here in front of everyone on the street.

“Come in.” She let Elizabeth lead her inside and then stopped in the foyer, unsure where to even start. The knowledge that that lace was shoved deep in her purse burned in her mind. “Let me hang up your jacket.” Elizabeth’s voice was gentle, as if she already knew something was terribly wrong.

A phone buzzed from somewhere in the kitchen and Nadine heard her sigh before excusing herself a moment. Watching her walk away, she realized that Elizabeth was dressed comfortably in worn jeans, a t-shirt, and cardigan. Definitely no ‘Secretary’ here tonight.

Elizabeth reappeared, phone in hand but wearing a look of relief. “It was only Blake. Nothing important. Come sit, Nadine.” She led the way to the sofa and sat curled with her feet under her.

Nadine fought the sudden urge to chew her lip. “Ma’am, I-” It was out before she remembered she’d just tried to start with that on the step. She sucked in a breath and listened to it shudder. “Arabelle Marsh came to see me.”

She watched Elizabeth seem to process the implications of what conversation would lead to her standing here now, and then rise again and vanish through a doorway. She listened to clinking glass and then she was back, two tumblers and bottle of scotch in hand. She put a finger in one and two generous fingers in the other and handed her the fuller one before retaking her seat. “You can tell me anything.”

From upstairs there were the sounds of voices and something or someone moving about, and Nadine was reminded that they weren’t alone. She looked toward the staircase a moment, debating.

“They won’t come down.” It was as if Elizabeth had read her mind and her head snapped back around to stare questioning. “They know when it’s important to stay away.” She then pointed at the phone she’d dropped on the table and elaborated a bit more. “I might have been given a heads up that you were on your way and sounded upset.”

_Oh._

“Don’t be mad. He quite literally knows more about who is and will be coming and going in my life than I do. That last one was just an offer if we need anything, the guys out front text him every person who turns up.”

Nadine blinked several times, trying to process that before deciding to leave it be. “Arabelle Marsh…” She sucked in a breath. “Came to see me.” She wondered if this was going to be a night of repeating everything. “She wanted to know if I’d been having an affair with Vincent.” _It’s a shame you weren’t on that plane._ Her voice caught again, and she took a healthy swallow of scotch to try and clear it. “She was finishing going through his things and… found something.” She was embarrassed, though the scotch was helping as she took another swallow before finally taking a seat. “I- I didn’t know what to…”

“Nadine, I’m so sorry.”

“I know it was wrong, but I loved him. And I really believed that he loved me.” A single sob broke free before she tamped down the rest.

“Of course you did. And it’s eaten you up enough about what happened, you didn’t need cornered in your office with her accusations.” Nadine was again taken aback at how calm and supportive Elizabeth was about the whole thing. No judgement, no hint of disgust. “She has no business anymore in the building, I’ll see to it that she can’t come in again.”

She doubted Arabelle would turn up again, but at some point she would find out about other things Nadine had done. Trips to Caracas, a bank full of hidden money, these things would eventually all find the light of day. “Thank you.” She finished the scotch and then was surprised when Elizabeth took the glass and refilled it. “I really shouldn’t.”

“I think you really should.”

“I’ve done things that…” She wasn’t even sure how to tell her. “I’m not proud of them. He was so charismatic and charming and… I think, despite myself, I fell under his sway. Arabelle could destroy my entire career.”

“She won’t.”

The certainty made Nadine look up in surprise. “You can’t be sure of that.”

Elizabeth made a noise in the back of her throat. “You’re right. But Vincent’s dead, so publicly tearing you down now would make her only look petty and vindictive. Plus, she doesn’t get to dictate who is or isn’t on my staff.”

“I appreciate that.”

“And as far as I’m concerned, I think having to mourn the loss of someone you loved for so long in total secrecy is plenty punishment. I mean, god Nadine, what you must’ve had to go through when that call came in and then to have to shove it all down to deal with taking over running the State Department?”

“It was… difficult.” She admitted, working on her drink some more. “When Jay told me the plane went down I was… I wasn’t even sure what to do next. I was temporarily in charge; I couldn’t just go hide in my office and cry about it.”

“How about once you got home?”

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes as she remembered. “The first night.” It was when she’d ended up with her hangover from hell. “But I was the one that had to sit in meetings at the White House. Even after Cushing was temporarily installed, President Dalton still requested I sit in for continuity.”

Elizabeth sighed. “And so you buried everything because of work. I am so sorry, Nadine. I really am. I don’t know how you still walk the same halls every day, see his picture hanging, put up with those memories.”

She nodded. The scotch seemed to be helping those buried feelings rise to the surface now. “And I thought I was doing okay until… until Arabelle turned up in my office with damning evidence.” _It’s a shame you weren’t on that plane._ Those words echoed again through her mind, followed by a very real sob. “I’m sorry.” This was the second time she was breaking down in front of Elizabeth. It was becoming a worrying pattern. _It’s a shame you weren’t on that plane._

“What did she say to you?” Elizabeth’s voice was filled with concern and compassion. Nadine realized she didn’t deserve this woman, as a friend or as a boss, who was always so filled with those two things for the people around her.

The glass in her hand was empty. Nadine stared into it. _It’s a shame you weren’t on that plane._ The glass was tugged free and set aside. She wasn’t a big scotch drinker, barely a fingerful on occasion and now she’d had so much more. “She dumped lacy-” Her voice caught; she couldn’t say it. “She dropped it right on my desk and asked if they were mine because they sure as hell weren’t hers and all I could think was… Was how he must’ve gotten them. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t breathe. She didn’t need to hear me tell her; she already knew.” She decided she hadn’t had enough scotch for this after all and stretched across, pouring more into her glass before drinking it too quickly. “It’s a shame you weren’t on that plane with him.”

She heard Elizabeth make a small, sharp inhale at that and then it’s all too much. Too many months of not dealing with the gnawing ache in her chest. Too much time listening to others tout how wonderful Vincent was as a husband and father. Too many words like those Arabelle had voiced running through her own head. There had been nights she’d willed time to roll back so she could be on that damned plane.

“Some days I wish I had been.” She admitted once the glass was empty again, too far in now to be horrified at the slippery way her words slurred together around the lisp she works so hard to hide.

“Nadine.” The soft way Elizabeth said it and the warm feel of her taking her hand were the final straws and the dam opened on everything she’d been shoving down for months, spurred forward by that one comment.

Everything seemed to fade away except her grief and pain. She barely noticed when her again empty glass was taken from her hand and then as Elizabeth pulled her into a tight hug. Nadine suspected that she’d be horrified by the display later, but right now it just felt good not to be alone as it all overwhelmed her.

==

It felt like her heart was beating inside her skull. She eased one arm out from under the blanket to press the heel of her hand against her temple. It’d been months since she’d done this to herself. This migraine, she knew, was a mix of crying too long and hard spurned on by heavy drinking. Work was going to be hell.

Through the pounding, Nadine registered the soft sounds of silverware clinking on dishes. Cracking her eyes open slightly, she looks straight ahead into a room it took her a minute to place. She was on the couch still in Elizabeth’s living room. The room was mostly dark, though light was streaming in from various doorways. Nadine shifted a bit against the throbbing pain and worked out that her head was on a pillow and a heavy blanket was covering her. Somewhere in all the scotch-infused emotion she’d kicked her shoes off.

On the table was a tall glass of water and some aspirin. Pushing herself upright, Nadine took them and finished half the water, squeezing her eyes shut against the increased pressure from sitting up. Thinking back, she could remember what mornings used to look like for she and Roman when he was growing up, so she knew the McCords were intentionally keeping quiet for her benefit. Five people heading to work, and school just didn’t naturally get ready that silently. The loudest sound she recognized as Elizabeth rushing about, her shoes clicking and then the slipping _shh_ as she slid to a stop before changing direction again. The clicking grew louder and Nadine opened her eyes to watch as her boss appeared, backlit in the doorway.

“You’re awake. How are you feeling?”

Nadine’s only reply was a soft huff.

“I’ll get you some toast. Good, you took the aspirin already. The kids will be out the door any minute. Just butter or would you like some blackberry preserves?”

It took her a minute to catch up. “Just butter, I think.” She watched Elizabeth turn away again and then a moment later the three kids rushed through and vanished out the door.

When Elizabeth returned, she sat in a chair across the table. She was fully dressed for work, Nadine noted. “Blake brought over the bag you keep in your office a few hours ago and the flats you keep under your desk. He wasn’t sure if you would want to bother with the shoes you were wearing yesterday. The guest room has its own bathroom. It’s up the stairs on the right and you are welcome to it and anything else you need. Don’t worry about coming in today.”

Nadine only stared a moment and then checked the watch she’d slept in to see the time. “A few hours ago?”

“When the guys out front didn’t tell him you’d left, he texted again, worried. I didn’t tell him anything, jus that you were staying. I told you, he knows everything. Anyway, he drove over and got your things and brought them by before he went in.”

She sank back into the couch. “Oh. He didn’t have to go to so much trouble.” She still barely knew Elizabeth’s devoted assistant beyond the fact he was so devoted and, as she’d come to discover, was more than a little intimidated by her.

Elizabeth made a sound that was almost a laugh in her throat. “It would’ve got entirely against his nature not to do it.” She sighed and leaned forward, balancing her elbows on her knees. “Nadine, I want you to know that you can come to me with anything. I mean that. I don’t know how much you can remember about last night, but I try not to listen too hard to what people say when they’re drunk.”

“Babe.” Henry’s voice preceded him into the doorway. “Do you have your phone on you?” He held his own in the air. “Because apparently Blake is trying to reach you and you haven’t responded.”

“It’s on the table I think.” Elizabeth waved toward the back of the house.

“I’ll get it.” He turned away, still speaking. “Didn’t you learn your lesson before about doing that to him?” His words grew softer and then louder again as he returned. “I did tell him you were with me, so at least we won’t get a repeat, but you need to call him back.”

“Fine.” She took the phone and scrolled the messages before glancing at Nadine. “Give me just a second.” She rose and stepped into the next room.

Nadine worked on her toast as she eavesdropped and Elizabeth’s side of the conversation. When she returned, she looked up. “Everything okay?”

“He just wanted to let me know he’s sorted out keeping Arabelle March out of the building. Also, he’s called in Jay to handle the morning meeting with him and told Holly to clear your schedule and give him anything that was urgent for him to handle.”

“I- Thank you, Ma’am. I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you won’t bury things for the sake of this job. You can tell me anything and I can promise you, it won’t upset me.”

 _If only that were true_ , Nadine thought to herself.

“And Nadine?” She paused a moment. “I’m really glad you weren’t in that plane.”


End file.
